Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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