I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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