i don't plan on having that self control this summer
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
And then he peed in my hair
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