It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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