I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
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Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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