i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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