What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
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The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
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Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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