Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
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The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
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I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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