i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
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Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
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I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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