when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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