I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
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We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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