Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
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you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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