I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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