Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Success! We fucked roommates!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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