Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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