Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize