Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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