U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
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Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
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I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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