wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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