the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
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He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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