I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
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Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
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If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
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