I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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