yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
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I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
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No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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