Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
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Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
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Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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