Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
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My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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