I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
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He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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