tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
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The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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