She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
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whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
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I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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