i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
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you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
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The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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