i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
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Some one left their pants in the elevator.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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