I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
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No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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