I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
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Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
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The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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