I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
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Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
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Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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