how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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