I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
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We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
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I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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