Midget sex pt 2 tonight
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
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Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
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Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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