I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
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You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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