I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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