im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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