trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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