if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
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She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
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His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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