If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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