I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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