A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
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We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
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Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize