The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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