So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
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its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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