I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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