I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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