sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize