Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
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Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
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Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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